First Step
by Mulderette
Summary: Carter is having a rough time after the events of Valentine's Day - This was my first fanfiction.


TITLE: First Step  
AUTHOR: Lynne Facella  
CATEGORY: Angst  
SPOILERS: Be Still My Heart, All In The Family and Be Patient.   
EMAIL: Mulderette@aol.com or Lynne1919@aol.com   
  
SUMMARY: This was my first fanfiction. Carter is having a rough time after the events of Valentine's Day.  
  
  
Lucy Knight lay cold and unmoving on the floor of the exam room. Her pale skin was marred by the bright red blood covering her and the floor around her. "This is all your fault, Dr. Carter. How could you let this happen? I needed your help but you didn't care. It is all your fault."  
  
Dr. John Carter awoke with a gasp. His heart was beating wildly and his whole body was soaked in sweat. "Calm down, it's just a dream," he whispered to himself. He looked over at the digital clock on the nightstand by his bed. It read 3 a.m. Lucy had been pronounced dead at 2:56 a.m. A shiver ran through him and his eyes filled with tears. He was having these nightmares on a nightly basis. He couldn't remember the last time he had gotten a good, restful sleep. Well, maybe he didn't deserve one. Lucy was now in an endless sleep. He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to erase these thoughts from his head. Then he slowly rose to get out of bed, wincing at the pain he still felt in his back. He knew that he wouldn't get much sleep now anyhow. Later that morning he was due back in the ER, his first day back on the job after the stabbing had occurred. Dr. Peter Benton had wanted him to take some more time off before returning but Carter had insisted that he was okay. Even though it would be hard to go back to the scene of the crime, he didn't think that dwelling on the incident all day long, day after day was helping him either. He would be on light duty and would start out just working a few hours a day to see how things went.   
  
He went into the kitchen and poked around for something to eat but nothing really appealed to him. He knew he needed to eat better. He had lost weight after the attack and he had to build himself up but he just didn't have much of an appetite lately. He finally forced down a couple of pieces of toast and some orange juice. He yawned and thought about trying to get another couple of hours of sleep but he really couldn't cope with another nightmare tonight. He decided that he would take a shower and head to the ER.  
  
  
  
Carter sat in his jeep staring at the hospital in front of him. He had arrived earlier but had not been able to go inside. He had left the parking garage and had driven around the Chicago streets aimlessly. Finally he had stopped at a diner for coffee and now he was back at the hospital again. It was 6:45 and he was due in by 7:00.   
  
"God, what is wrong with you?" he asked himself. "Just go in there and get it over with. That'll be the worst part. Once you've done that it should get easier."  
  
Mark Greene stood across from Carter's jeep watching the young man. He had a pretty good idea of what he was going through stemming back to his own attack at the hospital a couple of years ago when he himself had been severely beaten. He didn't want to interfere, but he didn't want to just leave Carter there if he needed help. Kerry Weaver had specifically asked if Mark would work the same shift as Carter this morning so he could kind of keep an eye on Carter and make sure he was doing okay. Mark began to walk slowly over to Carter's jeep.  
  
Carter saw Mark approaching out of the corner of his eye. He took one more deep breath and proceeded to get out of his jeep. "Hi Dr. Green," he said with forced cheeriness.  
  
"Hey Carter, welcome back," Mark said shaking his hand. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"I'm doing okay. I was getting pretty bored at home."  
  
"Yeah, I know what you mean," stated Mark as they started walking towards the ER entrance. "Be careful though. We don't want you to overdo it."  
  
"I know, I won't."  
  
Carter was nervously biting his lip as they entered the ER and approached the front desk. Malik was the first person to spot him. "Hey Dr. Carter, Welcome back!" He bellowed loudly. This caught everyone's attention and he was greeted by the other nurses who were in the area including Chuny and Haleh. He smiled and thanked everyone for their well wishes, feeling uncharacteristically shy and awkward.   
  
Mark noticed his discomfort and put his arm around Carter's shoulder. "Come on. Why don't you get rid of your coat and we'll get you started on some paperwork." The two men walked to the lounge and Carter felt his stomach drop as he found himself standing smack in front of Lucy's locker.   
  
"Hey Carter you want some coffee?" Mark asked as he poured himself a cup. He looked up when Carter didn't answer him and saw the young man staring at Lucy's locker with a stricken look on his face.   
  
"Damn," Mark said under his breath. He walked over and gently put his hand on Carter's shoulder, turning him away from the locker. "Come over here and sit down, I'd like to talk to you for a minute."  
  
Carter allowed himself to be led away from the locker and sat down with his back to it.  
  
"You okay?" Mark asked softly.   
  
Carter took a few seconds to compose himself and staring at the floor mumbled that he was fine.   
  
"You know Carter...it really might help for you to talk about this."  
  
"There really isn't much to say."  
  
"I think there's a lot to say," replied Mark.  
  
Carter looked up at Mark and spoke bitterly. "What exactly is there to say? "I'm alive and Lucy's not. I think that about sums it up."  
  
"Carter...I want to apologize for not following up with you the night it happened. I was in a hurry to get out of here and..."  
  
Carter stood up, obviously fighting his emotions. "Dr. Greene...I really don't want to talk about this," he stated. "You don't have anything to apologize for and I'd really like to just talk about work or something else...Please."  
  
Mark sighed. Man the kid was really bottled up. He had a bad feeling about this. "Alright Carter. We don't have to talk about this right now. Come on and I'll get you started with something to do."  
  
  
  
Carter spent the next couple of hours working on charts and doing various administrative things. He found that his back kept stiffening up and he had to get up and take a lot of short walks up and down the corridors. At one point got lost in thought and found himself near Curtain Three, the room where the stabbing had taken place. His heart started to pound and he bolted away from there as fast as he could. He found a chair down the hall and put his head down, taking deep breaths, trying hard to calm himself. When he finally looked up, Dr. Peter Benton was standing there, staring at him intently.   
  
"Carter what is it?" he asked, concern evident in his voice. "Are you in pain?"  
  
"No. I am fine Dr. Benton." Carter could barely keep the irritation out of his voice. He was sick of people asking him every two minutes if he was okay.  
  
"Why don't we go into an exam room for a minute and I'll see for myself." Benton stated.   
  
Carter rolled his eyes but obediently followed Benton. He knew he wouldn't let up until he did so anyhow.   
  
Benton had Carter scoot up on the exam table and remove his shirt. "Your heart beat is pretty fast." Benton stated as he listened to Carter's chest with his stethoscope. "Want to tell me what's going on?"  
  
"There's nothing going on."  
  
Peter checked out the wounds on Carter's back and the incision sites on his abdomen. Everything was healing quite nicely. "Well everything looks okay. Have you been eating?"   
  
"Yes I eat," Carter answered shortly.  
  
Peter sighed. "You know Carter, I signed you back into work but now I'm beginning to think I may have made a mistake. Frankly you look like hell."   
  
Carter's heart sank as he listened to Benton's words. He needed to work, to try to stay busy. As hard as it was to be here, it was harder still to be alone in his apartment. There he had no escape from the feelings of guilt and sadness that plagued him.   
  
Carter forced a small smile. "Honestly I am fine. I went by Curtain Three and it just threw me. I'm okay now. I'm taking it easy. Believe me with all the doctors and nurses hovering around me I think it would be pretty hard to overdo it."  
  
Peter contemplated his ex-student thoughtfully. "All right Carter, but I'm going to be keeping an eye on you, and you really need to be eating more."  
  
"Okay. I will. I promise." Carter looked at Benton with the most earnest face he could muster.   
  
"All right Carter, you can go back to work." Benton watched as Carter slowly made his way down the hall. He wondered if he had made a mistake. But then again, as Carter had said, there were a lot of people who would notice if something was wrong. Before he went back up to the surgical floor he decided that he would have a little talk with Mark Greene to see what his thoughts were.   
  
  
  
Mark Greene smiled as he caught sight of Elizabeth Corday who was waiting for him in the cafeteria with coffee and muffins.   
"Hard day?" she asked as Mark gave her a quick kiss and settled down across the table from her.  
  
"Well, we're not too busy if that's what you're asking," Mark said, taking a sip of the coffee. "Mmmm that's good."  
  
"Actually I was wondering how Carter is doing."  
  
"That's the million dollar question," replied Mark.   
  
Dr. Benton approached their table, carrying a cup of coffee. "Hey am I interrupting?" he asked.   
  
"No of course not, Peter." Elizabeth smiled warmly up at him. Elizabeth and Peter had once been involved in a relationship but still managed to remain on friendly terms. Peter grabbed a chair from an empty table nearby and sat down.   
  
"I wanted to talk to you about Carter," Peter said. "I was wondering how he seems to you so far."  
  
Mark pondered the question thoughtfully. "I don't know Peter...this morning in the lounge, he was looking at Lucy's locker like he had seen a ghost."  
  
"Well wouldn't that be expected?" asked Elizabeth. "It is his first day back and he has been through an awful lot."   
  
"I know," agreed Mark. "He just seems very closed off, not at all like himself. I tried to get him to talk but he wanted none of that."   
  
"Yeah, well I just saw him too," said Peter. He looked like he was going to pass out in the hallway.   
  
"Is he okay?" asked Mark, an alarmed look in his eyes.  
  
"Physically he's okay," replied Peter. "I checked him over. His heart was going at about a mile a minute. But he said he had just gone near Curtain Three."  
  
"Oh Peter," Elizabeth said sadly. "He shouldn't be going near there, not yet anyway."   
  
"I know Elizabeth. I don't know why he was down there."  
  
"Well I guess we can't baby-sit him," stated Mark. "We'll just have to see what happens..."  
  
  
  
Carter entered his apartment and stiffly maneuvered onto the couch. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He was totally exhausted. He had not had any idea how hard the first day back was going to be, both physically and mentally. His back was very stiff and sore. He felt like he could barely keep his eyes open and it was only 1 o'clock in the afternoon. At noon Kerry Weaver had pretty much kicked him out of the hospital telling him to go home and get some rest.   
  
Carter slowly dragged himself into the kitchen. He mulled over the meager contents in his refrigerator and finally decided to make a tuna sandwich. He really needed to get out and do some food shopping but it seemed like too much of an effort these days. He thought back to the events of the morning. He hadn't felt so awkward in the ER since his very first day there six years ago. Everyone had been perfectly nice and concerned but it had just made him feel very uncomfortable. He knew that everyone was talking about him. He wondered if people were blaming him as he blamed himself. He thought they were but would probably never say anything to his face.   
  
He started thinking back to the day of the attack. He had blown Lucy off all day long. He wished that he could go back and redo so many things. He should have examined the patient more closely and called Psych himself instead of leaving it to Lucy. He should have restrained the patient or forced Lucy to leave him and attend to her other patients. Malik could have sat with the patient. He wondered about Lucy's attack. He could only imagine the terror and pain she had felt. Then his thoughts drifted to Lucy's mother, how her eyes had pleaded with him to lie and claim that the attack had not been painful. She was all alone now. He could tell that she had loved her daughter very much. His own parents hadn't even bothered to show up at the hospital. His appetite completely gone, Carter got up from the table and went into the bedroom where he fell into a troubled sleep.   
  
  
  
The next couple of weeks passed by and physically Carter was doing much better. His back was improving each day. He was now seeing patients and participating in traumas. The first time he had gotten a stabbing victim he had almost lost it. For a few moments he had seen Lucy lying in front of him, her eyes pleading for his help. He froze but Kerry's voice calling his name had snapped him out of it and he had been able to function properly. Kerry had asked him about it later but he assured her that everything was fine. He could tell she really didn't believe him but she had left him alone.   
  
Luckily there hadn't been any similar incidents since that day. His colleagues were not walking on eggshells around him as much as they had been. He knew that Dr. Greene, Dr. Weaver and Dr. Benton were still concerned about him but he was being careful. He was trying to eat and had been exceedingly cautious with his patients. He still expected to see Lucy running around the ER and that was very hard for him. He was unable to go in Curtain Three. Nobody ever assigned him any patients in that area and he knew that it was deliberate. One of these days he was going to have to go in there and face what had happened but he couldn't bring himself to do it yet.   
  
  
  
One particularly slow day in the ER Carter sat out at the main desk finishing up some paperwork. Every once in a while his attention drifted to where Dave, Deb and Luka were chatting and laughing. He made no move to join them though. He pretty much kept to himself these days. His colleagues had noticed Carter's serious demeanor but didn't push him. Hopefully in time he would come to terms with what had happened and come out of his shell.   
  
"Hey Carter, how are you doing?" Dr. Benton sat down across from Carter. He had been watching Carter from across the room for a few minutes before approaching. Mark and Kerry had said that he was quiet and withdrawn and still avoided any discussion of the attack. He was doing fine with his patients though so nobody could really force him into seeking help.   
  
"I'm fine. How are you?" As Carter turned to face him, Benton noticed how tired he still looked. He obviously wasn't getting very much sleep. He bit back a comment mentally reminding himself that nagging probably wasn't going to help. He decided to get to the point of his visit.   
  
"So Carter, one of my patients gave me a pair of tickets for tonight's Bulls versus Knicks game. Would you like to go with me?"  
  
Carter couldn't disguise the look of surprise that came over his face. "You want me to go to the game with you?"  
  
"Yeah," replied Benton. "How about it?"  
  
Carter was dumbstruck. Benton had never asked him to go anywhere on a social basis. Their relationship had changed after all that had happened but this still threw him for a loop. "Ummmm..."  
  
"Come on Carter. I know you're off tonight," said Benton. "Do you have some other plans?"  
  
"Noooo..."  
  
"Well then you'll go?" asked Benton.  
  
"Okay, yeah, sure..." Carter stammered.  
  
Benton smiled, pleased with himself. That had actually gone easier than he had thought it would. Hopefully this would be a step in the right direction. He was sure that Carter had not been out for a long time and this would be good for him. If he could get him to open up and talk about things that would be better still.   
  
"Alright then," said Benton. "I'll meet you down here at 5. We can grab something to eat first."  
  
"Yeah...thanks," said Carter, still not really believing that he would be going out Peter Benton.   
  
A few feet away Deb, who had overheard the exchange, smiled to herself. She was so glad that John would be going out. She had been really worried about him lately. She had tried repeatedly to get him to talk to her but he always changed the subject. She knew that he really looked up to Dr. Benton and hopefully this would be helpful.   
  
  
  
The rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully. Carter had just finished up with the last patient of his shift. It was a little after 5. He walked out to the front desk with the chart.  
  
"Hey Dr. Carter," Randi said from behind the desk. "Dr. Benton called down and said he is with a patient in Recovery but he will down as soon as he can."  
  
"Okay, thanks Randi," replied Carter. "If he asks, I'll be waiting for him in the lounge." He finished up with his chart and wandered down the hall. It was really quiet today, almost spookily so. Most of the exam rooms were empty. His heart began to race and for some unexplainable reason he found himself walking towards Curtain Three. It was dark and deserted. Carter continued to be drawn towards the room. It was almost as if a force was pulling him. Finally he reached his destination and hesitatingly opened the door.   
  
Immediately upon entering the room a sense of dread and fear came over Carter. His eyes looked frantically around but no one was there. He felt a tightness in his chest and it was becoming difficult for him to breathe. Then suddenly his mind jolted out of the present and into the past. He could hear the loud music from the Valentine's Day party. He saw himself entering the room and picking up the Valentine's Day card that Yosh had given to Lucy. He gasped as he relived the shocking sensation of the knife entering his back, once and then again. Then the horrible feeling of helplessness as he tried to get up but couldn't and then looking across the room at Lucy's battered and bleeding body. Disoriented, his whole body shaking, Carter backed into the wall and slowly sank to the floor.   
  
  
  
Dr. Benton pulled on his leather jacket as he walked over to the administrative desk. "Hey Randi, is Carter around?"  
  
"He said he would be waiting for you in the lounge," Randi replied.   
  
"I just came from there. I didn't see him."  
  
"I don't know then," Randi shrugged and went back to her computer screen.   
  
Benton looked over at the board and didn't see Carter's names attached to any of the patients. It actually seemed pretty quiet in the ER. He hoped Carter hadn't changed his mind and left but really couldn't imagine that he had done that, especially without at least having the decency to let him know.   
  
He left the front desk and glanced into a few of the exam rooms. Carter was nowhere to be found.   
  
"Damn," Benton mumbled as he looked at his watch. It was getting late. Where the hell could Carter be? A grim awareness came over Benton as he looked down the hall at Curtain Three. He broke into a run and anxiously burst into the room. At first the room appeared empty but then he heard a muffled "no, no, no, no, no." He looked over to the right and there was Carter, sitting with his back against the wall, his head buried in his knees which he was tightly hugging as he slowly rocked back and forth.   
  
Benton cautiously approached him. "Carter," he called softly and then a little louder. Carter didn't respond at all, just kept up with that unnerving "no, no, no..."  
  
Benton squatted down by the younger man. "Carter, come on. It's okay. Everything is alright." He sat down next to Carter and started making a gentle circular motion on his back while he continued to speak soothingly. He could feel Carter's whole body trembling. After a few minutes the incessant nos that Carter had been mumbling stopped as well as the rocking. Benton could feel Carter's body relax.   
  
"Hey Carter," Benton said in a firmer voice. "You okay?" He lightly put his hand on Carter's forehead and lifted his head away from his knees.   
  
Carter's face was deathly pale and dripping with sweat as he stared at Benton breathing heavily. For a few moments he was silent but then his eyes filled as he chokingly verbalized the thought that had been haunting him for so many long weeks. "It's all my fault. It's my fault Lucy is dead." And with those words the sobs he had been keeping inside him finally let loose.   
  
Benton sat with Carter for a long time and just let him cry. Fortunately nobody came into the room. After a while, Carter's sobs slowed and finally ceased altogether. Exhausted he leaned his head back against the wall.   
  
"John," Benton began. "What happened wasn't your fault."  
  
Carter gave a half-hearted laugh. "Boy you must think things are really bad if you're calling me John."  
  
Benton sighed. "I can't even begin to imagine what you've gone through. But I do know the kind of person you are and the doctor you've become. What happened was a senseless tragedy and you are not to blame."  
  
Carter leaned back against the wall and took a deep breath before speaking. "It was really, really horrible..." he began haltingly. "I could see Lucy lying there and she had this look in her eyes that I can't even explain. It was like a mixture of terror, pain and pleading for help...and I couldn't help her. I couldn't do anything at all..."  
  
"You couldn't help her because you were hurt too," Benton said thinking back to when he had first seen the wounds on Carter's back. "You were hurt badly, Carter. You could have died that day too."  
  
"I sometimes wish I had," Carter said in a whisper, but Benton heard him.   
  
"Don't talk like that," he stated with a touch of anger in his voice. "Is that what you think Lucy would have wanted?"   
  
Carter laughed bitterly. "I was always giving her a hard time. I gave her a hard time that day. If I hadn't, things might have been different."   
  
Benton measured his words carefully before speaking. "Carter... I think you have set yourself up for perfection, and no matter how hard any of us tries, none of us is perfect. We all have a sense of guilt over what happened that day. Kerry felt bad that she wasn't there. Mark felt guilty that he left the hospital. Everyone at the party felt horrible because they were having a good time while the two of you were in here dying...and I almost removed your kidney."  
  
Carter looked at Benton, confusion written all over his face. "What?" This was the first he had heard about his kidney.  
  
Benton shook his head, remembering the surgery. "Carter I was crazed in that operating room. I was so scared that you weren't going to make it. I was all set to yank that kidney out of you but Dr. Anspaugh managed to calm me down and you still have two kidneys thanks to him."  
  
Carter sat quietly as he slowly digested what Dr. Benton had just told him. "You were really that upset?"  
  
"Yes, I was really that upset. I know I've always been a hard ass to you, Carter. But I really do care about you. A lot of people care. That's why I think you should value your life. I know you don't think so now but you are really very fortunate."  
  
"I guess..." Carter replied, but not sounding at all like he believed it.   
  
Benton paused before speaking again. "Listen...I know you don't want to hear this...but I really think you need to talk to someone about this. You need some help to sort through all that has happened."  
  
Carter nodded slowly "you mean a therapist."  
  
"I think it could help you."  
  
"I guess you're right," Carter acknowledged. "I'll talk to someone in Psych tomorrow."  
  
It suddenly occurred to Carter why Benton had been the one to find him. "I'm sorry about the game."  
  
"Don't worry about it," Benton grinned. "There will be other games. I think what happened here is a lot more important, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah," Carter said softly. "Thanks for being here."  
  
"You're welcome." Then Benton stood up and stretched. "Why don't we get out of here and go get some dinner."   
  
"You buying?" Carter asked with a sly grin.  
  
"Sure, I'm buying." Benton reached out his hand to Carter and helped him to his feet. "You know...everything is going to be okay." He patted Carter on the shoulder and headed out of the room.   
  
Carter followed and as he reached the doorway slowly turned to look at the room where all his nightmares had begun. An involuntary shiver ran through him and he quickly turned away and went out into the brightly lit hallway. He knew he had a long way to go but he had taken a first step. Maybe he would be able to get through this after all.  
  
The End.   
  



End file.
